The time I realised I wasn't happy

The time I realised I wasn't happy

It was a day, just like every other day, the pressure on my chest was there, the knot in my throat obvious, yet I was unable to validate any of it. I would jump out of bed, every day, get dressed, rush to prepare meals, as a busy wife, who worked as an underpaid teacher in a private school.

My day was a routine of things to do, mainly involving following the requests of others. Don’t get me wrong, doing what we are supposed to do in any given moment in life isn’t wrong, but doing what we don’t want to do for the sake of others, is... Serving others needs while disregarding yours, was a complex mess of living I somehow got myself into, while clinging onto the validation my success in those areas gave me, was my biggest sabotage.

And my days, were full of a lot of self sabotaging... From my habitual workaholism, to my attempt to rise from the ashes of my childhood pain, I was attempting to skewer my perception of my inner brokenness.

Yes, I was very successful. I managed to get a job right after finishing my degree in primary education, and I immediately went into action to build my first Business, which I managed beside my day job as a teacher. Did I enjoy that? Yes, and no.

I can’t say I didn’t, as working with children was so soul cleansing and rewarding.

But, working so many hours while dealing with the tragedy of multiple miscarriages, and infertility, while fearing to let go of work and take care of myself, that wasn’t enjoyable.

And maybe you too have experienced that fear.. An almost guilty and paralyzing fear that keeps you stuck in situations that don’t honour your soul and spirit.

Circumstances that cause you to end up feeling overwrought, overwhelmed and tired, lacking the ability to serve yourself and your needs first.

'' We are hard pressed on every side, but not cramped or crushed; we are  perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.''

And the thing about those circumstances are, they feel brutal. There are times, like these in our life, where our soul is being crushed, and our spirit is being refined, just like olives are pressed into olive oil. So that the pureness, and that liquid gold will pour out of that hard shell, so it may cleanse the pallet of those who choose to taste it. The thing is, in the midst of our pain, and hard seasons, God intended the cleansing and refining of our souls, to be part of a beautiful story of restoration and growth. As you too, just like me probably desire to rise up, change and move into new grounds, you will hear the crushing sound of refinement at some point in your life. I hope it doesn’t scare you, but then again, maybe even the fear of it is part of the journey.

To see that fear, and to identify it, and to let go into God’s perfect plan of growth. That that fear, my love, will not dictate you anymore. Just like it couldn’t dictate me.

I’ll be honest with you.. I can’t actually pin point the exact day, that awakening happened. Somewhere between the loss of my babies, and losing my job during that sick leave ( a sign I had asked God to show me as an indication that I needed to move on) Somewhere amongst all that, the divine synchronicities, and the heart ache, I saw hope as an anchor, and without knowing exactly what I was doing, I decided to step out in faith.

Those first steps, my lovey, can sometimes seem messy and clumsy. And so did mine! No wonder I did so many mistakes in the first year of my business!

But those first steps sometimes can be as small as:

Validating your needs.

Honouring your truth and your values.

Trusting God in the process.

Taking a small step of faith in a different direction.

Accepting failure as part of the journey.

Believing in your ability to do it. And do it scared if needed.

Remembering that one day doesn’t define your everyday, and one day of your life, doesn’t have to define your future..

Growth my lovey is blissful and scary, all wrapped up in a series of orchestrated events blurry to your eyes, but vivid and magnetizing to your spirit.

And if you deeply want to grow, and experience inner happiness, sooner or later your spirit will want to see and hear the signals, He has been giving you all along.

My wish to you my sister, now, as I sit in my home drinking my tea and remembering back to those days, ever so grateful I took the plunge, as I now can see and understand the reason of it all... is that you too can say yes to your journey...

Starting from the simplest form of acceptancing your soul’s desires.

I’m not happy, and that’s ok.

I’m going to move forward, and that’s ok...

I’m going to dare even if that means I fail, and that’s ok..

I need my space now and that’s ok..

I don’t accept the way you treat me and that’s ok...

I’m going to honour my needs and not go to that gathering I don’t want to go, and that’s ok...

I’m going to take a break and, that’s ok...

What “That’s ok does your soul need to hear?”