I had to maintain my sanity, and carry with me whatever burden I thought was mine to deal with. It was a way to keep myself occupied with everyone else’s needs and problems, distracted in a way, that I would never be able to give myself the time to see what was going on.
As an enneagram type 2, helping and serving others is my middle name, my second nature. And as a woman with many roles, such as a professional, a wife, a daughter, a friend, I could very easily get myself distracted with all these.
What baffled me was, why on earth I had so many dreams and desires for my life and myself, but yet couldn’t figure out the way to do it. What I didn’t realize at that time was, that, in order to know the how I had to know the who first.
In my many attempts to perfect my life, to look somehow well-conducted and happily coordinated, I failed to realize the need to honour my true vision.
Why did I do that?
At the time I wasn’t aware. Now I can see, that I was too busy making my life work around the ideas, opinions and beliefs of others.
When you know the who, the how and the why will fall into place naturally
You may have begun embarking on a journey of self-development, and the word Self Actualization sounds intriguing, that you decided to give it a try, and find out more about it.
Whatever the reason is, there is one thing I know for sure.
And that is that today, is part of something massive, and it might be part of something you quite don’t know or understand yet. Just like my vision at the time was blurry, I couldn’t deny the feelings within. I could turn my eyes away from it, distract myself or suppress it...
...I could try to mask it and hide it, but sooner or later, those feelings paved the way to the story of my everyday life. And whether I was willing to face it or fake it, it was right there, a life of dissatisfaction, fear, and people-pleasing. Emotional hurt, bitterness, and unforgiveness, had the upper hand in my life...
I wasn’t controlling my life... My life was controlling me.
And all the things that had happened and were happening to me, were my daily dose of either pessimism or optimism. I felt one day positive and ready to conquer the world, and the next day like a deflated balloon eating pizza and fries in her bed with her stained bed sheets and greasy hair.
You may have a blurry picture inside your head of what I’m talking about right now, or you might have a very vivid understanding of it and nodding your head in complete agreement. You may have a hidden piece of paper or journal, with all your dreams and deepest desires in it. Or a vision, a dream, of what life could be, but up until now you’ve tried to ignore it, because you, just like me, didn’t know how to make that dream come true...
In the safe place of this sacred moment, I want to invite you to dust off that journal, and start recollecting and remembering those dreams.
Can I invite you in a space of self-love and self-compassion, where you will embrace that little soul and allow her to dream again? To believe in the journey, not with what has happened to her, but what can happen from her?
If your vision today is blurry, like muddy water in a pool, today my lovey, you need to let that mud rest at the bottom of the pool, instead of allowing it to stir up again and again in your life...
And you can too, take a dive into your pool, full of mud, whatever that mud may be, and this time take a good look. For me, the dive was deep and painful, and it definitely required me to see and understand some things within myself that needed to change. But, what I also came to understand is, that God provided me with a mask and an oxygen tank whenever I needed to dive.
He never left me to do that dive alone. He instructed me in the journey, and threw me a Life Jacket to be my way out. What happened next in that dive, is that, as I began to separate the mud, and see it for what it is, I also began to see more clearly THE VISION, the vision rooted in me and that has been me all along. It is a gratifying feeling of revelation and freedom.
I am who I am and that is beautiful. But I needed to accept to dive into the mud to see it first.
Are you willing to take a dive?
Give it a think.
You’d be surprised how beautiful a mud dive can be...